This mental abuse, also known as guilt, can go on for hours, days, and sometimes even years. If a friend or family member ever spoke to us in the way that this voice does, we would probably never talk to them again…yet we do nothing to stop the internal dialogue. For some reason, we believe that this self-imposed penance is our just retribution.

Although we don’t mean to torture ourselves, it just seems to happen. Some psychologists suggest that the majority of our behavior is driven by the unconscious mind. They believe that our actions are fueled by unconscious beliefs, known as memes, that are transmitted, either verbally or by example, from one person to another. While some memes are harmless, many of them are “mind viruses” that interfere with our common sense. Most of our memes take shape in childhood and adolescence, and we rarely question them as adults. But are they true?

Sheep

1. Do everything you can to maintain self-control. Don’t get drawn into another person’s anger. An angry person is usually looking for a response and will do anything to lure you into battle. Don’t take the bait. Self-control takes practice, but the more you use your “self-control muscle”, the stronger it becomes, and the easier it is to remain calm when tensions are high.
2. Be fair, and keep an open mind. Let the other person speak without interruption. Make an effort to see things from their perspective. Look for areas of compromise.
3. Stick to the facts. Attack the problem, not the person.
4. Avoid negative tones that are likely to trigger hostility. This would include accusation, blame, sarcasm, and extra emphasis on certain words.
5. Use “I” centered language. Stay away from phrases like “you’re not listening to me”. Instead say things like “I don’t feel I’m being heard”. Don’t say “You make me angry”. Instead, accept responsibility for your own anger, and say “I get angry when…”
6. Be aware of your body language. Avoid dismissive or aggressive body gestures, such as shrugging, eye rolling, head shaking, heavy sighing, inattention, pointing, shaking fists, and invading personal space. Instead, speak in low tones, maintain eye contact, nod to indicate understanding, and maintain an open posture.
7. Drop your defenses. Although it may feel like you’re “under attack” when someone disagrees or insults you, this is just a trick of the mind. There is no actual danger, and defense just wastes your valuable energy. As soon as you “defend” yourself, you simply invite more conflict. Focus on resolution, rather than defense.
8. Never waste time trying to “prove” someone wrong. In some cases, you can end the conflict simply by saying “You may be right.” Many people simply want to be right. Another strategy is to just “agree to disagree”. If you need to disagree on a specific matter, preface it with the phrase, “With all due respect, I see things a little differently.”
9. Set reasonable boundaries. Let the other person know what you will and will not tolerate. You can do this in a respectful, yet assertive way. If you have an end in mind, tell the other person specifically what you want in a calm, non-threatening manner.
10. Never try to reason with someone who is extremely angry or violent. Instead, wait until things have calmed down. If necessary, take a temporary break from the conflict. For example, excuse yourself to go to the restroom. This will give things a few moments to quiet down. If the conflict is uncomfortable or dangerous, simply walk away. It is sometimes appropriate to leave conflicts unresolved or to return to them at a later time.
11. Above all, resist the urge to retaliate. If you want peace in your life, you must conduct yourself in a peaceful manner.

For the last 5 years, I’ve been facing a constant stream of challenges in nearly every area of my life, including finances, job loss, relationship issues, health problems, and the loss of a loved one. While I’m doing the best I can to stay afloat, there seems to be no end in sight, and I struggle to make sense of it all.

I’m a spiritual person, and I’m usually pretty good at keeping things in perspective, but I’m finding it really hard to keep the “faith”. I’m in therapy and have a good support system, but I still feel stuck.

In the face of so much challenge and chaos, how does one keep the “hope” alive and not turn into a completely faithless person? I would appreciate any thoughts you may have on this.

Thanks,
M.

Are you ready to slip on your red ruby slippers and kick off the New Year with a renewed enthusiasm for living your best life? Just like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, you probably have a “destination” that you’re trying to reach— goals that you want to accomplish. Maybe you dream of creating your own business, improving your health, or having more balance in your life. Perhaps you want a simpler life, one with less stress and demands. Although people often assume that “change” is difficult, it can be easier than you imagine.

First and foremost, you must believe in your own power and your ability to make positive changes. Have confidence that you can find ways to reduce your stress and better deal with everyday demands, resulting in more time and energy for the things you really want to do. The idea of believing in your own power is one of the most potent lessons from The Wizard of Oz. Just when Dorothy had given up all hope of getting home, Glinda, The Good Witch of the North, told her that she could go home by simply clicking her heels together. Dorothy had the power within her all along, and the same is true for you.

Another important strategy is to “simplify” your life, which will create more space for your dreams. The key is to identify and eliminate your “energy drains”. These are the things that routinely sap your energy, damage your health and relationships, and get in the way of your goals. What things irritate you, exhaust you, or are unreasonably time consuming? What are you “tolerating”? After determining your energy drains, take inventory of your strengths, and look for ways to leverage them. Are you resourceful, patient, flexible, or creative? Can you use these skills to eliminate or reduce the things that drain your energy?

Once you conquer your energy drains, a space will be created for clearer thinking, healthier habits, and more supportive people. When you are operating from a position of power and clarity, you will have a much better idea of what you really want. Your goal can be as simple as having one extra hour nightly to do whatever you please, or it can be as adventurous as traveling this summer throughout Europe.

Just like Dorothy, you are bound to face obstacles as you travel your path, some of which can be very formidable. Many obstacles, such as a job loss or unexpected health setback, may be out of your control. In Dorothy’s case, her biggest obstacle was The Wicked Witch of the West, who sent flying monkeys to capture her and trapped her in a poison poppy field.

However, despite these obstacles, Dorothy stayed on her path and ultimately reached her destination. To do this, she relied heavily upon the help of her support system—the Scarecrow, the Tin Man, the Cowardly Lion, her dog Toto, and Glinda the Good Witch. Think about the supports you have in your life. You may have a supportive spouse or friend. You may have a strong, energetic body or good job. During this time of change, it helps to notice, leverage, and be grateful for all of the things that keep you afloat and encourage you to move forward.

Why not make 2010 be the year that you dare to follow your own Yellow Brick Road? Even though the path may be difficult, it is well worth the journey. For the best chance at success, you will need to become your own Good Witch of the North. Be kind, patient, and gentle with yourself as you eliminate energy drains, focus on goals, gain courage, build a support system, and follow your dreams.

Gratitude can be a powerfully transformative practice. According to Dr. Robert Emmons, the world’s leading expert on this topic, the practice of gratitude can drastically improve a person’s physical and emotional well-being. In his ongoing Research Project on Gratitude and Thanksgiving, he found that people who kept weekly gratitude journals had fewer physical symptoms, exercised more, slept better, and felt more positive about their lives as a whole. In fact, his findings point to gratitude as one of the strongest contributors to a deep satisfaction with life.

If you could use more gratitude in your life, here are some tips to get you started.

Stressed Out

Understanding and managing worry provides an excellent starting point for “getting out of your own way”. Worry can be thought of as a barrier that blocks you from your best self. When you are in a state of intense worry, you have extremely limited “access” to things like intuition, knowledge, talent, peace, love, and appreciation. Instead, you have increased access to emotions that are more “compatible” with worry, such as anxiety, fear, and depression.

As an example, many people fear public speaking. Studies show that people fear this as much or more than death! Why do you think this is? I believe that the intense fear is triggered by worry. Once you start worrying about what others are thinking, fear and anxiety creep in. And if you are caught up in a rash of negative, fearful thoughts, it can be very difficult to perform. In essence, this fear blocks you from your knowledge and talent.

However, in the absence of these fears, you are not worried and once again have free access to your abilities. As another example, how often have you struggled to find the right words in the middle of a stressful argument, only to have those perfect words come easily to you after the argument has ended?

If you take a close look at worry, it’s simple to see that it serves no useful purpose. You will not change the outcome of anything by “worrying” about it. The only thing that worry will accomplish is to increase your suffering and to choke you off from your true self. Author and teacher, Leo Buscaglia, put it best when he said, “Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.”

If you would like to learn more about worry as well as strategies for managing it, be sure to check out my e-book, “Kick the Worry Habit!”.

Keukenhof Gardens, Netherlands

Thoughts are like plants in the garden of your mind. Think of your mind as an all natural garden. Without any effort on your part, many different types of plants will arise. You have very little control over what shows up.

Now, there are some plants that you’ll want to cultivate and share when they blossom. And the cultivation is the easy part – as all that is required is love, attention, and gratitude.

There are other plants, however, that you’ll want to remove immediately. If you aren’t diligent in this process, your garden will quickly become overrun with weeds, which eventually choke out all the blossoms.

In order for you to have peace in your life, you must tend to your “inner garden”. This means paying close attention to your thoughts and quickly weeding out those that do not serve you. It’s important to be vigilant because negative thought patterns, just like weeds, can easily gain momentum.

“Your mind is a garden, and your thoughts are the seeds. The harvest can be either flowers or weeds.” ~anonymous

As stated in the movie, The Secret, it’s not enough to just think about what you would like to attract into your life. You need to be able to see it clearly in your mind and actually experience the feelings of already having it.

While most of us were great at visualizing when we were children, it is something we often lose as adults. Most likely, this is because adults are rarely rewarded for being imaginative. Instead, we are taught to be practical and realistic. However, with a little practice and a healthy dose of determination, you can get back in touch with your childhood abilities.

The best way to practice is through visualization exercises. To get you started, I have created an exercise containing a list of questions, broken out by category. The exercise  provides a framework in which you can visualize what your “ideal” life would look like. You can focus on your job, your relationships, where you live, or all of the above.

When you are answering the questions, remember to be VERY specific. I would suggest spending time thinking about your ideal life and jotting down notes. You should act as if you were “placing an order” with the universe. Imagine that a customer service representative is on hand, ready to process your order.

This exercise works best if you can do it with a group or at least one other person.  After you have visualized your ideal life, tell the others about it as if it were really true, and then allow them to ask you questions. This will help you crystallize in your own mind the exact life you want to attract. If you are doing the exercise on your own, write up a highly detailed description of your ideal life. Good luck!

Today’s quote: “The greatest thing a human soul ever does in this world is to see something. To see clearly is poetry, prophecy, and religion, all in one.”   ~John Ruskin, art critic

View Visualization Exercise